I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
