mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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