That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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