Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
