Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
