Is it normal to miss your booty call?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I did not marry a roomba.
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