My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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