The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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