So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
