He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
