The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
