life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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