Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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