1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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