God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
