i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
