I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
