this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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