just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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