Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
