I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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