woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
