i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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