At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
