My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
