I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
