Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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