You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
