The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
