Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It's blow job season.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
