i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
