Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
