The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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