Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
