Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
