Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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