I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
