i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
