my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
