your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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