Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Randomize
