Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
