Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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