I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
