I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
