You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
