you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
