I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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