i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
