just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
