thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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