tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
