I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
