I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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