Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
