i wish there were pregnant emoticons
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
