i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
