Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
